LFIT | Chapter Two: Family

Yo, this is the series of Love For Imperfect Things book review and opinion about chapter of it, and this the chapter 2:

Family

So this chapter has 2 subtitles that related to family, those are “Please Look after Mom” and “Understanding our Fathers”. The mom part is telling us how the Buddhist monks love and taking care their mom. Haemin Sunim, the writer, was sad whenever he came back to Korea because of seeing his mother how much older have become. He loves his mom, she is introvert with bright and warm personality, and also really proud of her son writings and talks, as they have helped many people. But when he found out that his mother had become ill, he really sad, especially when he know that his mother kept her illness from her son. And luckily after Haemin stay with her for a full month, her illness was treatable. And when he give a public talk and meditation, he usually ask the audience to close they eyes and hold hands with those sitting next to them, and then he ask them to imagine that the person they are holding is someone they deeply love and care about, like their mother. And then ask them to send the love message and say the meaningful words. He really love his mom and make him as a most influential Zen buddhist monks and writers.

And the second part about father is talking about his father and some prototypes of father-child relationships. Haemin was angry at his father because his father often refuse help from his son. His son was worried that his father might be diagnosed stomach cancer because of weight loss without any reason. And the father was said that “I’m not important, but you, my son, do so much good for people, you have to look after yourself properly so you can keep on helping them” when the son offer to medical check up. And it made the son’s heart sank, because his father didn’t value his own body and constantly say that he is not important.

And then he realized that he is not the only one that experience relationship such like that with his father. And after he talks with many people, he summarized that there are at least five prototypes/categories of father-child relationship.

1. The father behaves in an excessively patriarchal way, withholding affection and strictly enforcing rules and standards. He often controls his children by making them feel shame and guilt. Even as adults, his children do not feel comfortable around him, having spent their childhood afraid of him, and cannot bring themselves to open up and have an honest conversation.

2. Children who have witnessed the suffering of their mother because of their father’s extramarital affairs or lack of employment. Such children tend to develop deep sympathy for their mother and rage toward their father.

3. When the father is a self-made man, a firm believer in the power of hard work who has similarly high expectations of his children. The writer frequently meet young people who have an excellent education and a good job yet have low self-esteem and workaholic tendencies; speaking with them, he discover that many of them have had this kind of father.

4. Children who are born into ordinary families and who turn out to be academic geniuses or to otherwise have great success. They are independent and self-motivated and prefer not to receive unsolicited advice from a father who can’t really know what their lives are like. Such children love their father but do not necessarily look up to him.

5. Children who lost their father when they were young. They tend to remember their father as a hero and are attracted to teachers or mentors who are like him in some way.

I am actually not from rich family, my father and mother came from West Sumatra and their house was at the small village, even in the forest (called Gimbo Kambir Forest — Coconut Forest 😂) . My father is really hard work and wise person (because my big family always need deep talk with him), and my mother is super patient woman because she rarely to angry and never give high expectation to me. Actually, I rarely to have deep talk with them, but I really admire them because how can they survived and make me and my siblings can have a good education in top university in Indonesia because they are not pass their high school and middle school in the small village, even currently we are (I think) have good enough financial state, alhamdulillah. And it make me inspired to have hard work personality and also have patience when facing this adult problems because I have more privilege now than them in the past.

Because currently I am watching “What If…?” Marvel series, sometimes, I am thinking what if my parents is not nekat and brave to taking risk to migrate to West Java from West Sumatra, I don’t think I write this blog now and have a good education like now. So, I am very grateful for them. Oh man this chapter is very touching, thanks for reading!

And these are my favorite quotes from this chapter ✨

No matter how good a relationship is, it is inevitable that it will change over time.

A close friend may move to another city, or a family member may pass away.

Your circumstances, too, can change.

But don’t let this make you too sad — because when one door closes, another one always opens.